This is my journey in mothering my miracles. There are love letters to my children and reflections on discovering that autism resides within our home, and embracing it."BY WISDOM A HOUSE IS BUILT, AND THROUGH UNDERSTANDING IT IS ESTABLISHED; THROUGH KNOWLEDGE ITS ROOMS ARE FILLED WITH RARE AND BEAUTIFUL TREASURES." PROVERBS 24: 3-4
"THERE ARE TWO WAYS TO LIVE: YOU CAN LIVE AS IF NOTHING IS A MIRACLE; YOU CAN LIVE AS IF EVERYTHING IS A MIRACLE." - ALBERT EINSTEIN
Last night you prayed for “Rex and Ronda” at bedtime. With your little boy hands poised in prayer, you prayed the sweetest of prayers to God. You prayed for your friends and family, and the part that touched me most was when you prayed for the horses at Farm School – you said “I really love Rex and Ronda, God. And they really love me too.” Then, you went on to say “Help for a good tomorrow – for a sparkly sunshine and growing clouds.” I watched you in awe, adoring everything about you – my tiny little man. The faint little baby chub dimples on each knuckle still remains, but is fading.
You are, all too quickly for Mommy, growing up to be quite a little boy. I feel as if you were just born, how can you be 3 ½ years old already??
You’ve spent the summer going to Farm School 5 mornings a week and have loved it. They have all kinds of animals at the farm – Pearl the pig, Rex and Rhonda the horses, alpacas, ducks, cows, and many others. There is a little pond you walked around sometimes, and a fun outdoor playground. You are so happy when you talk about the farm. Wednesday was your last day, and another little boy’s mother sent home a note asking for a play date with you. Apparently you and her son have become good buddies at school.
After much discussion, interviewing, and careful weighing of options, you started preschool at the Elementary School yesterday. You are probably the youngest in the preschool – and the cutest, if you are asking me! Mommy drove you to the first day of school – and on our way we saw your friend Shivy getting onto his school bus.
When we arrived at your school, you posed outside for pictures smiling from ear to ear. You wore a blue polo shirt and little khaki shorts, and of course your favorite light up Spiderman shoes. You were very brave as you walked into the school to your classroom buddy! Gracie and Emma were in the double stroller accompanying you on your first day. Outside your class, you posed for more pictures. A little classmate of yours was inside crying and I think that made you a bit apprehensive. You hugged my leg and said “I want to go home Mommy.” Then your teacher came up to you and and showed you some of the fun toys to play with. You started playing with some trucks, and then ran back to me for about 5 kisses and hugs and to tell me “bye-bye Mommy.” I was so happy you had an easy time easing into your new classroom environment.
As I left the school building and walked through the parking lot tears of pride and loss cascaded down Mommy’s cheeks and didn’t stop until I arrived back home. I am so very proud of the big boy you have become, and so very sad that you will be gone from me 5 days a week now. When I picked you the teacher told me that you had a wonderful first day! !We had a big celebration that night at home. The kitchen was decorated with superheroes and balloons and presents in Spiderman wrapping paper. You had a Lightening McQueen and Mater cake that said “Congratulations on your first day of school. Love, Mom and Dad.” You had a great party! We are so very proud of you son!
I love you son! Mommy
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for. Epicurus quotes (Greek philosopher, BC 341-270
Today was a good day. I feel satisfied and fulfilled with life. I breathed in the bliss of our everyday, and reflected on what a miracle it is that we have built this little family! Eight years ago I only dreamed of a man and a family like ours, and now it has come to fruition! What an abundant life I'm living, God has blessed us until our cup runneth over!!
Today was nothing too exciting, just a nice steady pace - the best kind of day. The weather was hot, and as I sat outside today with a girlfriend in the sun and watched our children splash in the kiddie pool - memories of my youth and lifeguarding days emerged. I love the sun's warmth pressing on my back. Some girlfriends stopped by with their kiddos to play and swim, always good to have some Mommy fellowship!
For dinner we had steak and Clayton helped us make fish sticks. We are involving him as much as possible in food preparation, in hopes he'll take an interest in actually eating the food. It tickled me when he lined up the fish sticks, much the same way he lines up his cars. Doll boy! Tyler cooked steak for us on the grill and made some potatoes from the farmer's market. As the sun was setting tonight, I worked on the dishes. Baby Emma kept me company in her bouncy seat on the kitchen counter. Tyler was out on the deck with the kids, reading his golf book he checked out at the library on our last date night. Don't worry, the night wasn't perfect. Gracie purposely stole Clayton's full cup of milk off the counter and went over to the carpet and dumped it. Awesome! Shop vacumms are the best for these messy kiddos of mine! Even better, is a Daddy who does the shop vacumming!!! Gracie also had a poopy diaper while swimming. That was great too. Love poop in a wet diapee. And love the Daddy who cleaned it up! Everyone is sleeping now, only the quiet lul of the clothes dryer can be heard. A good day, for sure!
Laughing out loud a bit right now. After getting up with all three of my children last night at different times . . . I started my day on a high note with a gym workout, where I convinced myself I'll train for a marathon in 2 months. Those endorphins will make you come up with some wacko plans!
Next, I went home and made lunch for the kids, and watched sticky lemonade spill onto the freshly scrubbed floor. . . the best laid plans, and mops - ha! The babysitter arrived, because I had a doctor's appointment - oh, wow, is there a rare form of Alzheimer's just for mothers? The doctor's appointments on the calendar are tomorrow, Thursday and next Monday. . . Santa can you bring me a blackberry or an iPhone to organize all this chaos : )Budget Smudget - come on man, you're SANTA! Laughing out loud. . . Instead, I head to the mall to select those photos I was suppose to select last night of my wee precious children.
Next, I return home to a sleeping crew who awake just as the babysitter exits. Dinner time was so sweet, even little Emme dined with us - or nursed, I should say. For our after dinner entertainment, Clayton wanted to read "Green Eggs and Ham" to Grace, Emma, and I.We were all snuggled up on the couch with the evening sunset cascading over our shoulders, Clayton reading, and Grace and Emma on my lap. That is one of those moments I want to capture, bottle up, and keep forever. A moment, when I feel like the luckiest of women! Sheer joy!
Today was date night - when the babysitter arrived she asked if I knew we had a swarm of dragon flies in the driveway. Strange. Even stranger when I back out and see that these dragon flies are the size of hummingbirds - literally! The bugs are HUGE - it is a scene from Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds." What in the world??
Tonight is the first night of Tyler and my sand volleyball league. But, as with some other date nights, Tyler is busy at the hospital. So, I go get the sopping wet sand between my toes solo. When the 3 games are over, still no word from my man. I head to Walmart to buy the slew of grocery's we need and at check out end up behind a gal buying only one item - a Dell computer. Score - as the other lines are, in the words of Buzz Lightyear, stretching "to infinity and beyond!" RING RING - my babysitter calls, asking if I'll be home soon, as the baby is ready to nurse. I say yes, I'm just checking out now.
Score on picking the best check out aisle - WRONG!!! The Walmart check out clerk has endurance, I'll give her that - maybe she should run that marathon I talked myself into this morning. She scans the same 3 scan bars for about 15 minutes straight - you'd think that after the first few swipes, you'd figure out that they were not going to work. Well,this clerk is quite the athlete. After 15 minutes pass, she hoists the computer out of the cart, complete with the grunts of a heavy weight champion, and onto the aisles conveyor belt. Enter in about 10 more minutes and lots of helpful fellow employees. Exit the lady with the heaping cart the next aisle over, the one that there was NO WAY I was going to get stuck behind. I fidget trying to be patient, and thinking about tiny Emma needing to nurse. I get home, and carry all ten grocery bags in with my Mommy warrior strength. Then, nurse Emma. Tyler is home and we go get some quick fast food, and grab a meal for our babysitter too.
Now that is romance with a capital R baby! Date night at it's finest : )Somehow, it is enough though to know that the intention was there, that we had tried to make time to play volleyball and spend a couple hours together. It may have actually been 20 minutes, but hey, we'll take it! As we ordered our fast food to go, Tyler let me know he loved me by saying "let's eat it here, it won't take that long and we can talk a minute." The way he looked at me as we sat over our $10 meal, made all the surrounding winds of chaos so worth it. In the words of Diamond Rio, "What a beautiful mess I'm in."
We rush home and hand our sitter the cash for her 2 hours of service. Tyler finishes up notes from work and goes straight to bed, as he has to leave for work around 5am for the operating room. I check my email, post on my blog, and stand staring over our three children before I finally give each last one a kiss . . . and wake Emma to nurse one last time. This is our house that love built. . . not quite The Walton's or The Brady Bunch, but it is ours!
Oh, my! I scheduled photos for the three kiddos tonight. When I made the appointment, I knew that scheduling all three kiddos could potentially be problematic. So, I planned to do it when my husband could tag along and help. In my mind's plan, after the photos he could entertain the kids at the kid-friendly area in the mall. Meanwhile, I planned to select the best pics of our bubbly brew.
Our bubbly brew crew wasn't bubbly at all. . . they were more like little witches boiling a stinky brew. Stinky dispositions and stinky smell (2 out of the 3 pooped during the photo expedition.) And the kid-friendly area in the mall was a bust too - CLOSED! Everyone in our clan was cranky and firing up in all directions.
Lil' sis was hungry and fussy wanting Mama to nurse and cuddle her. Big sis couldn't hold still or sit in place, and a few toddler tantrums were thrown in the mix. Big Bro did the best of all of my lil darlin's; but even still, he had an uncanny way of jumping in the photo as soon as the baby stopped crying for a split second.
Tyler had worked a long day, and had no break between work and "photo shoot" time. My darling husband has little patience for photo shoots in general, and wasn't sharing my enthusiasm and optimism. When we first arrived, he helped get the tots dressed, chased about the kids while they ran down the mall hallway, brought back Gracie screaming and kicking to prove her desdain at being caught, and held the baby under a black sheet draping to prop her up. But, as the minutes turned to an hour . . .while I danced on my head and clapped my hands goofily about like flippers - he sat on a bench and sighed a bit. He was not venomously opposed to taking pictures of our wee ones, but he lost hope for any decent shots long before the photographer, hoping to make some cash, or I did.
The gal who photographed was young and definitley was lacking in the "tricks up her sleeve" department when it came to getting tiny tots to cooperate and smile. Another person helping in the studio would have been key, as has been the case in some other photo shops we've used. . .but no one else was working in the shop. The props were not kid friendly; although they advertised as a children's portrait studio. These problems agrivated an already agitated bunch of unpredictable darlin's ages 3 and under! The time dragged to two hours.
The photo shop was suppose to be a place where you have your photos shot and order the pics all in the same time session. . . but it looks like I'll be braving the shop tomorrow to scope out the fruits of our labor, as our crew wasn't going to last another second in there tonight. Hopefully one or two of the photos will be worth buying.
I am quite confident that if these photographers videotaped the chaos involved with photographing families like mine - with tiny children - they would make so much money on the "reality" videos. . . it might even become the next "reality t.v. show." Then, photographers could actually make the photographs a reasonable price! And all of us Mommy's would buy the videos as a keepsake memory of "the story behind the cute pictures."
"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was about to end, it became a beautiful butterfly."
As humans we experience that molting process many times; here is the story of my most recent experience of molting and re-emerging changed.
I was in a private room, seated in an executive chair at a large conference desk, among a team of doctors and my husband, when I first got the news that Clayton had autism. "I knew there was something" I thought, validating my instincts and intuition. Then my thoughts went silent like the still before a storm in the Heartland. All at once, out of no where, I was shattered and shocked, shook to my core, and questioning - - - could they be right? Were they wrong? All this swirled behind my expressionless face as I shook hands with the doctors and thanked them. . . and as I scooped up Clayton's little hand, smiled at him, and walked him out to the car to go home.
We went home and a gamut of emotions and actions ensued - I was angry, then I cried, then I researched, and then I was determined to "fix" it and to find a "cure". Questions reeled in my mind as I lay to go to sleep each night . . .what if I didn't look hard enough, research long enough, what if I fail to cure my son? I felt forlorn, exhausted, and defeated - I was researching to no avail and wrapping myself tightly into a cocoon of confusion and lost hope. As I researched, Tyler grieved in the way many men do. Silently. Indifferently. Stoically. Anger masking his sadness. After much prodding he revealed his inner anguish and pain. I felt relieved that my husband felt as deeply for our child as I did; his heart-break was just manifesting differently.
We loved our child so intensely that we wanted nothing more than to protect him, to teach him, and to give him roots and wings for the best possible shot at an abundant life. We were upset because we weren't sure how to do that now. We felt that the rules of the game were changed, and we didn't understand how to operate within the new parameters. In researching to try to find a "cure," I've discovered that autism isn't a problem that needs to be "fixed", rather a view of the world that needs to be unlocked, understood and embraced. Tyler and I need to love Clayton for who he is in all his complexities and glory.
He is a kid with autism (PDD-NOS/high-functioning autism/possibly Asperger's). But he is not autism(PDD-NOS/high-functioning autism/possibly Asperger's).
He is my child... My child that loves cars and putting tracks together. My son that hates haircuts. My little man who will try and con you into letting him read his entire book shelf, rather than just one story. My buddy who sometimes screams at my touch, and other times asks me to squeeze him more tightly and spin him 'round. My darling that I rocked to Celine Dion's "Beautiful Boy" on many stary nights; he cried and arched his back and finally slept in my arms as I gazed upon all of the perfection in each feature of his face. My boy who begs to ride his big wheel and runs around giggling with his sister. My son that loves to go to the swimming pool. My child that loves to get in between us when it thunders, and crawls into bed each morning with the same adorning smile and the question "can I snuggle with you?" My boy who cries and screams, yet tries so hard to hold still, while I cut his nails. My son who quickly memorized books such as "The Hungry Caterpillar," and "Brown Bear" before the age of two and read them to me. A boy who has adored his baby sister "Emms Emms" since the day he met her in the hospital and sang her "Lullaby and Goodnight, My sweet Emma Elizabeth." My child that would opt out of hair washing altogether if given the chance. My son that loves to brush his own teeth and help his Daddy cook. My smarty pants that has learned to spell out words at age 3 1/2 years old - and is even working on sounding out words. I could write pages . . .
I have been reluctant to share his autism diagnosis with others. I guess I want to protect him from people "studying" him or passing judgements on him. I don't want other parents to be fearful and shy away from letting their children play with Clayton, as he could use friends just like the rest of us.
At other times, I have felt compelled to share his autism with others, in order for them to understand his behaviors. So that they understand he is not a brat, but simply overwhelmed and frustrated sometimes by the world around him. Those whom I have shared this with have been overwhelming loving and supportive. But, Autism is complex and I've noticed that although we want to smoother my little man with love all the more, sometimes we don't really understand how to best love and support him.
What I have learned is that Clayton doesn't need to be "fixed" or "cured." He sees and understands the world differently than most. Through therapy and treatment, he can become adjusted and enabled to be part of this world; a world that is very odd and peculiar to him. He needs help understanding the world around him, and how to deal with the various sensations and stimuli that really upset him. He needs us to teach him how to initiate play and conversations, and how to start and keep relationships with others. Relationships he craves, but the forming of which comes unnaturally.
What Clayton needs most is to be loved and taught. Clay needs this love and nurturing guidance more than treatment or therapy. He needs friends and love just like all of us, although it may not always be apparent through his words and actions.
Since his interpretation of the world is so different than mine, I find myself daily trying to learn to see it though his lens. Today I embrace the fact that my son has mild-autism/PDD-NOS, it is part of him in all it's possibilities and mysteries. I accept that mild autism is a part of him and his life. . . part of my and my family's life, . . . and I celebrate the fact that there are some things about autism that are very cool and intriguing.
Who can say they have something in common with Bill Gates, Bach, Issac Newton, Beethoven, Mark Twain, Mozart, Michelangelo, Thomas Edison and Albert Einstein?? Clayton can! Now there is the beautiful butterfly!!! I think I'm a little jealous! Just check out all of the extraordinary people on the autism spectrum in this video clip! My little extraordinary buddy is in the company of the greats! Who wants to "fix" and "cure" that? Not this Mommy! I want to give him every ounce of nurturing guidance within me and I want to live in hope that of a sky-is-the-limit future for my son. Isn't this a universal want that mothers have for their children? Carry on, beautiful butterfly Clayton, carry on.
July 20, 2010 Emma Elizabeth, Oh My Goodness, sweet and tiny precious baby girl! You are growing up way to fast! The moments are fleeting. I just hold and savor you each day and will you not to grow up so quickly.
You are really cooing and smiling so very much! You rolled over from your back to your front this week. When you end up on your tummy, you cry for someone to come and help you!
We also just started sitting you in your Bumpo seat (it is a seat that helps to prop you up – but you have to have good control of your head before you can use it. Your little eyes and face are so expressive and you coo and coo, and I really feel that we are having quite a conversation together. You are just such a doll.
Today after I nursed you I was just rocking you and watching your brother and sister play. I couldn’t stop nuzzling you and kissing you – and Clayton and Gracie both kept coming up to you and kissing you too! You add so much joy to our lives! God bless you baby Emma!
July 20, 2010 Gracie,
Hi baby! You are so smart and so darn grown up for a little girl who isn’t yet 2 years old.
You have pee-peed in the potty in the morning 3 days in a row! I am so very proud of you. You were so cute the first time you went pee in the potty. You proclaimed “I did it!!!” proudly. We were just as excited as you were. You get to put a sticker on a little potty chart each time you try to go. After you sat on the potty briefly today, you got a little smirk across your face and you said “sticker” and got up off the potty. You smart little cookie – already working the system : )
Another cute note – you just adore your big brother and when he came home from school today you smiled a huge smile ran to the window to look out and jumped up and down saying “TAY-TON” “TAY-TON” home!!!
July 20, 2010 Hi Buddy! You sure are adorable all tucked into bed tonight with your little “Raffy” giraffe clutched in your arm and sound asleep. I remember buying that little giraffe before you were born, and putting it in the nursery on your dresser next to your ultrasound picture. For all that I thought I knew of the joy that was about to be bestowed upon Daddy and I – I can say this – I knew nothing of how deep and vast my love for you could be. I adore you baby boy, and the love I have for you three children and your Daddy consumes me! You guys are my life! You are really doing and saying some adorable things, such as “Mommy, I have an I-DEA (idea).” Your new found imagination is just such a joy! It is so fun to peak into your little mind. You love to play “going to the beach” “going to the moon” “going to the zoo.” Sometimes you say “Mommy, I got an idea. You be Evil Emperor Zurg and I’ll be Buzz Light year.” Just precious! You are starting to understand conditional things – such as directions I give you like “Clayton, you may help me bake cookies, but first you have to pick up all of your blocks and put them back in the box.” You LOVE to help Daddy and I in the kitchen. Today, you wanted to crack one of the eggs and you did a very good job all by yourself. The yolk startled you when it oozed out quickly, and then you just giggled! Gracie was crying in her crib when she woke up from her nap today. Then, I heard her stop – followed by both of you giggling hysterically. I found you in her crib with her and you two were tickling each other and tackling each other and laughing. I still have no idea how you managed to climb into her crib. You have never done that before. When I asked you how you got in you said, “I wanted in, so I climbed Mommy.” You also told me today that you wanted your friend, Dillon (who we haven’t seen in over a month – and who you’ve only seen a few other times ever) to come and play. I called his Mommy and he gets to come over on Friday and play! Yeah! That will be so much fun for you, as he is a very nice boy and you two play well together.
July 17, 2010 Baby Em's, Your mommy and daddy have been married for 6 years today. You are such a beautiful child, my angel girl! You are really budding quite a personality. You smile a ton now, and really interact with us. You have just started rolling over from back to front at 3 ½ months. What a big girl you are trying to be!
Last night you had a tummy ache for a long time, finally this morning, you were rocking in your swing and pooped – right out of your diaper and all over your cute sleeper and swing, all in the washing machine as I type this. I was so glad your tummy stopped hurting sweetie!
You have ruffles on your diaper cover, and a little purple open backed top to match on today, and of course an adorable purple bow in your precious auburn hair.
We went to the farmer’s market to shop for fresh produce this morning, and it was so hot for you! We left as soon as we found some good veggies and herbs!
Mommy had a doctor’s appointment yesterday, and I brought you along. The nurse insisted on holding you and took you out to the nurse’s station where they oohhed and ahhed over your auburn hair and how adorable you are!
You are my little snuggle bug, baby! I love rubbing your fuzzy little head and looking into your giant bubbly blue eyes. You have so much life in you – you are amazing. Just staring at you makes me giddy! Kisses, Mommy.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
6/8/2010 Emme, My goodness little one, you are already 2 months old! How quickly time passes. You are growing up so big! You are still very long and lean, but filling out some in your face. You can hold your head up by yourself somewhat – although you are still in need of some support. You like to look around now, and especially love our faces! You have begun to coo, which just melts my heart . . . as do your endearing smiles at Daddy and I! How did we get to be so lucky to be your parents, darling!
You are an absolutely perfect little girl, so darling! Your hair is a beautiful auburn red, and you get many compliments on it! Your eyes are a dark blue color right now. I can’t snuggle with you enough!! I love to rub your little soft downy hair on your head too.
You are a great sleeper at night – sleeping 8 or more hours, what a dream! You like to be swaddled tightly to sleep at night, and you look so precious and tiny all wrapped up! You are starting to enjoy swinging in your baby swing, and also to lie on your back and look up at toys hanging over head. You get excited, and kick your feet and flail your hands while you are looking at the toys dangling above you! I am so thankful and awestruck at the wondrous and precious gift you are, we sure are blessed from God with you!
You and Mommy have thrush, a very common thing for breast fed babies and their mom’s to get. Grace got it too, as she took your pacifier and put it in her own mouth several times. The medicine for it has to be taken 4 times a day, and hopefully it will go away. Unfortunately it has a tendency to re-occur. Hopefully that is not the case for us. We just got home from a long trip to Georgia. Your second trip baby girl! Your first trip was 5 hours long, when you were 2 weeks old. On this trip to Georgia you were about 7 weeks old. We stopped in Tennessee on the way down and stayed at a hotel. Then, we stayed the night at your Great-grandma Bebe’s house. Next, we went to a Resort near where we stayed for 2 nights for Uncle Dan and Aunt Jenna's wedding.
You were beloved by all of your great-aunts and great-great-aunts – they all wanted to hold and snuggle you! You were a big hit, especially with Daddy’s Grandma Grace (not actually his relation, but a neighbor of his when he was a child). She held you a lot during the bridesmaid’s luncheon. Your great-aunts Bridget, Sharon, Melissa and Cynthia were very fond of you – as was great-great Aunt Delene. For the wedding you wore Clayton’s Christening gown – you looked like a living doll, so so beautiful – like an angel sent straight from heaven. On the way home from our trip we stopped at the Zoo. It was soooo wonderful to be home!
6/8/2010 Gracie, Oh my goodness sweet Grace – you are so wonderful! As Daddy said the other day, there is nothing small about our little Gracie – she is big on the height charts and she has a big personality! You are so naturally happy and joyful and it is a blessing to everyone around you! You have bouncing ringlet curls that look too perfect and adorable to be natural, but they are all yours babe! You have the most beautiful eyes, and little round cherry cheeks that bounce when you laugh. You are so adorable!!! Your personality is so incredibly engaging, you are already so savvy at manipulation (which is a skill mommy hopes you learn to use for good in the world).
You are most definitely in the toddler stage. You are fearless and sometimes defiant. You like to run away from us, or generally in any direction we don’t want you to. You are into hitting and sometimes biting – ouch.
A funny story, the other day you and I were in a fancy baby store, and you were running away from me and I kept catching you and bringing you back next to me. One of the times you ran away you ran into a woman – and then you started whacking her with your hitting – she looked at you in shock, and rather than shy away when you discovered it wasn’t me – you just gave her a little smirk grin that said “ha ha lady, you don’t scare me!” Too funny baby girl.
You are just my wild little angel. You definitely worry me. I have had to put baby locks on all of the outdoor doors, as you and Clayton try to tag team open the doors and escape our home. You also have some sort of natural honing device inside you (it is hereditary, as your brother did this too) that sends you running straight for the street whenever you get a chance – if we are at a park, for example. We will harness and bridle some of that wild spirit and wrangle it and use it for the greater good! That is my hope and prayer for you, sweet child.
You are still my sweet baby girl, and sometimes still seem like a baby to me when you suck your thumb and say “hold you” when you want me to hold you, and say “night night” when you want me to take you upstairs and rock you to sleep.
We recently went on a trip to Uncle Dan and Aunt Jenna’s wedding. On the way down we stayed at a few hotels, and you and Daddy snuggled in one bed while Mommy and Clayton snuggled in the other. Little Emma slept in her co-sleeper right beside Mommy. You and Daddy looked so sweet cuddled up together!
4-19-2010 Dear Emma, Wow baby – I can’t believe two weeks have passed. You have already done so much and there is so much to tell you! Daddy and I were very concerned with giving you a name fitting for such an angel as you – so, although you were born on Good Friday, we did not decide for sure that your name would be Emma Elizabeth until Easter Sunday. I think it fits you perfectly little Emma!
You are so sweet and lovely. We enjoyed our time in the hospital with just the three of us – you, Mommy, and Daddy. Clayton and Grace came with the grandparents to visit us each day. But mostly we snuggled you and gazed upon your sweet face. You were snuggly and very sleepy those first couple days.
However, on Saturday night you decided to be awake and crying a little when it was time for sleeping – - - so, Mom and Dad decided that Mommy would go on the Dairy Free/Soy Free diet in case it was your tummy that was bothering you. We did this diet for Grace, and it seemed to help her stomach remain calm. We wish we would have done it for Clayton, as his tummy always seemed to be upset – but we didn’t know anything about the diet when he was a baby.
Daddy and I couldn’t get over how tiny you were. Daddy was just in awe at your beauty. When we brought you home you were such a good baby, you fit right in. Clayton and Grace love you very much and like to kiss you, touch you, and hug you. They are working on being gentle with you. Clayton sings you lullabies and proudly tells anyone he can that you are his new sister “Emma Elizabeth.”
You are getting so big so fast! You are my little girly girl. This morning I put fairy wings on you and we danced and giggled in front of Mommy’s bedroom mirror together while Daddy watched us. Sure wish I could freeze those moments and keep them forever!
You gave Mommy and Daddy quite a scare the other day – you were up all night long crying and we rocked and rocked you and it didn’t seem to help. The next morning (Friday) I took you to the pediatricians. You had an inner ear infection in your right ear and the start of an ear infection in your left. Poor girl! They gave you an antibiotic.
A few hours later were were home and you were shaking on and off, and you were very hot. Your temperature was 105.3 degrees. I was worried and called the pediatrician’s office and the nurse said to call 911. The paramedics said you were probably be okay as your fever had dropped to 103.8 with Tylenol. They said we could either take you to the emergency room ourselves, let them take you, or give you medicine every 4 hours to keep your fever down and take you in if you got any worse or if your fever went back up – they thought all would be reasonable options. We decided to take you in ourselves and have you checked out. Nahna was with us and Daddy met us in the ER. You were fine, and the doctors determined that the shakes were not concerning and not seizures. We were so glad at the good news for you! You have continued to be out of sorts and have a fever for a few days, but seem to gradually be getting more of your typical spunk back.
You are so cute with your new sister Emma Elizabeth. She is now 2 weeks old and you love to touch her and kiss her. You point out her hair, eyes, hands, feet so proudly and just today you said her name, Emma, rather than calling her Baby as you had been. You are still a baby yourself, at only 19 months old sweetie!
You have the most clear and beautiful sky-colored eyes, sweet rosy cheeks, and the most darling curls in your hair. I put bows in your hair each day, and you seem to like them. I love you so much!
You are really taking an interest in reading books now and in learning new things. One of your favorite things to do is play with all of your brother’s toys, the “forbidden” ones that he doesn’t want you to touch, when he is away at school. You are too funny darling! You and Clayton continue to be each other’s best friends. You also have your spats, but overall, I truly believe you’d be lost without each other. It does my heart so much good to watch you two giggling and playing together.
4/15/2010 Hey buddy! You started a new school and you are just flourishing. Miss Terri is your teacher, and Miss Jane is your assistant teacher. You ride the school bus to and from school, and are usually sleeping when you get off the bus. You really seem to be enjoying school and your teacher says you are doing excellent. I am so very proud of you buddy! You are also doing a fantastic job of potty training. You haven’t yet had a single accident in your bed overnight, and you now pee in the potty all by yourself. You are working on pooping in the potty and have been doing great with that too! Daddy and I are so proud! You rode your bike around the cul-de-saq today and are pedaling your tricycle like a big boy – you are growing up so fast! You made a friend with the neighbor boy who was out riding his big wheel. Too cute! You also went for a ride in the trailer on the back of Poppy’s bike with Gracie. Too adorable! You and Grace rode in the back with snacks and books. You haven’t been feeling great, and your fever reached 103.9 last night, but I think you are starting to feel much better today. It is so beautiful outside, so it was great you could get a little fresh air!
Tiny Child, You were born this morning at 2:58 a.m.
Yesterday I went to my doctor appointment and my tummy was measuring small. They did an ultrasound to measure the amniotic fluid and it was on the low side of normal – this really concerned Mommy's doctor. So, she Mommy go home and pack her things and return later that evening to be induced. Mommy was not excited to be induced.
Rather than give me pitocin, a medication to artificially start contractions, a doctor broke my water at 9:45 p.m on April 1st. Mommy and Daddy walked the halls and up and down some stairs to get labor started and it worked! By about 1am Mommy was feeling some stronger contractions. Around 2am Mommy had an epidural and was in pain from the contractions. In order to hold very still during the contractions while they placed the epidural in my back, I squeezed Daddy’s arm, and accidently squeezed so hard with my fingernails he had little nail marks up and down his arm where I drew blood. Poor Daddy! He never complained. Mommy’s nurse’s name was Emily, and she was a young nurse and was comforting and sweet. Mommy dilated from about 4cm to 10cm in about 20 or 30 minutes. That sure was fast!
When it came time to push you out there were at least 3 doctors and lots of medical students, all women, to help you into the world. Mommy’s doula arrived after the epidural was placed and was there too. Daddy held my hand and you were born into the world “sunny side” or face up. I think that means that you will always be a positive or “glass half-full” person! How fantastic! Since you were sunny side up the doctors helped you along by placing a suction cup on your head twice, so you’ll have two little swollen spots on your head for a while.
Daddy cut your umbilical cord and you were put into my arms. You were so tiny and so beautiful! It was so amazing to finally gaze upon you after feeling you stir inside my womb for 9 months. You are absolutely perfect in every way!!! I love you so much, so very very much and am so glad that you are in our lives! I’ve been waiting so long to meet you. Now that you are here, you are overwhelming my heart with more love and joy than I had even expected!
Gracie, I can hardly believe in a week or so that you will not be my “baby,” but rather a big sister. You are so tiny and precious and still such a baby! I love watching you prance around in your little pigtails and bows and saying “milky” or “book.” You are mommy’s angel girl. You are so fun to take to the store to grocery shop, or to a mommy’s group and just show you off. You are just so darn precious and it’s fun to share you with others! You are really starting to love reading books – you especially prefer the realistic picture books. You like to point to each object on the pages and have me tell you what each thing is “apple” “tree” “boy” “cow” etc. You love using your finger to point, and sometimes you will repeat the word after me. You have memorized or learned some of the words in your books, and will tell me what they are – such a smart baby!
You are getting so fast- Mommy's lightening bolt! Today, I was trying to help clean up at my Mommy Club Group, and when I would set you down you would dash in any direction exploring the newfound territory . . . so I of course would race after you and had trouble keeping up. So fast! Obviously Mommy wasn’t very efficient at helping with the clean-up.
You also currently love naming and pointing to yours, and others, body parts. “Hair – bow – ear – nose – tummy, etc.” You have a way of smiling at people that just engages them with you. So charismatic and charming babe! You also have some looks that are hilarious and crabby! So funny!
You are not feeling awesome; I think you have a little virus on top of your ear infection. Hopefully the ear infection is cleared up – as you finished your antibiotic today. You have had a nasty cough and Daddy has given you two albuteral treatments to help you breathe before you have gone to sleep the last two nights.
Yesterday afternoon your cough got so hacky, that you actually threw up your oranges and then some from breakfast. Poor baby. We both had puke on our shirts, and were getting dressed when the doorbell was ringing. That was a little crazy : ) Tylenol seems to help, and hopefully you will feel better soon – you took a great nap today, so I’m hoping the rest helps to heal you precious girl.
3/23/2010 Hey buddy. You are doing such a great job growing from a toddler into a little boy. You are attending preschool twice a week and are starting to tell on your teachers when they put you in time out, or tell on your classmates when they take a toy of yours. I love hearing about your day! You also tell us which teachers and friends you enjoy, and that is so fun to hear.
You really enjoy taekwondo and are so cute about putting on your uniform on Tuesday and Thursday nights. You are the youngest and smallest kiddo at Taekwondo and just adorable – I am SO proud you are my son!
We have been reading lots of books about having a “new baby” in our house and you have been telling people that “there is a baby in Mommy’s tummy” and that you are having a sister. You are given a choice each night of which book you’d like us to read . . . or two or three books, and you always choose the book about the new baby.
While I read it to you, you point to the bigger sibling and say “that is Clayton” and to the baby and say either “that is Gracie, or that is the new baby.” You love mommy to sing "Lullabye and Goodnight" at bed time. As we were praying the other night, you prayed for Mommy, Daddy, Gracie, and the baby in Mommy’s tummy. You melt my heart son!
We went to the park a few days ago and you played for an hour and a half in the sand with your bus and shovel and digger. You are a doll boy! You want to kiss your sister, Gracie, each morning and each night. What a great big brother you are.
You have this way of looking at people, you squint your eyes and tilt your head and then squeeze your cheeks as if to say “Love ya.” It melts hearts!!! (including Mommy’s). You love pushing around a little pink stroller Mommy got for you - it is so adorable! You are learning to use a spoon to eat yogurt and apple sauce, what a smart little girl you are! You’ve also learned how to throw a fit and demand “COOKIE” in reference to an animal cracker from the cookie jar. Your favorite time to do this is when the telephone rings - too funny darling!
You really are enjoying being read books and love to talk about and identify head, nose, ears, mouth, cheek, chin, hair on yourself, Mommy, and your baby doll. Sooo smart!!! You have also picked up on the different songs I sing to you and hum phrases from the tunes. When I play a bible story morning song CD in the mornings at breakfast and “This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine” plays - you do the cutest thing - you hold your little finger up (your light) and start dancing! Precious baby!
As I am writing this journal you are crying in your crib. You never wake much in the night. I just went and rocked, cuddled you, and played with your curly locks for over half of an hour. Poor baby, you pooped today and started bleeding. Your stool was soft, but perhaps you passed something that cut you? I think you now have a sore bottom and it is waking you up. Hopefully you are feeling better in the morning, or I may want to take you to the doctor. I hate when you hurt sweetie. All my love - Mama.
Clayton, Wow Buddy - you are growing up to be such a big boy! You are learning to do all sorts of things! We have a little nightly routine where you take a bath, put your clothes in the hamper, put on your pajamas, and read books.
I am sooo incredibly proud of you. You are really making such huge strides in your learning and you have such a truly endearing personality. You are expanding what you enjoy doing. Although you still enjoy your trains very much, you love so many other things. You love jumping on your trampoline, riding on your tricycle, doing flips in the living room, building tents with blankets, painting, puppet shows, reading books - Barney stories have been your favorite as of lately, cooking, playing hide and seek, tickling and giggling with Gracie, and you still enjoy watching cartoons or movies - especially Veggie Tales.
Just last week you pooped on the potty for the first time - and it was in a public place - WOW! That was so brave! We were at the Recreation Center and you went poopy in a grown up toilet with Daddy. You had a Taekwondo class at the Rec Center, and afterward you went to Walmart with Poppy R. and Daddy to select a train of your choice as a reward for pooping in the potty. Good Job Buddy! You have not pooped in the potty since, but I know you will again soon. You have also been doing an excellent job going pee pee in the potty - you have even been going pee pee at your preschool.
I am also so impressed with they way you have taken to Taekwondo. The first class you cried, wouldn’t take your shoes off, and wouldn’t get off of my lap. By the third class, you were standing with the rest of the kids and Daddy was helping you do the motions. By the fourth class, you asked to have an “outfit” (Taekwondo uniform) and you completed the entire 45 minute class by yourself. You are just 3 years old and I think most of the other students in the class are closer to 5 and 6 years old. You are just a phenomenal little boy!
Your temper tantrums have decreased in length and frequency, although you do still surprise me from time to time with an outburst or fit. We’ll keep working on your frustrations and managing your emotions bud. Mommy loves you way more than I can ever express in this journal. I love love love you baby!
1/31/10 Gracie, you are fast asleep as I write this.
You are such a funny little girl! Today I peeked in on your Sunday School class and they had all of you and the other baby toddlers sitting in miniature chairs and singing a song about wind in the trees. Adorable! You love interaction and love to participate in little activities.
You are also very strong willed when it comes to doing what you want to do! Daddy and I bought another lock for the oven drawer today, to keep you from hauling Mommy’s baking pans all over the house! Just when we thought we had the house “Gracie proofed!” Ha! You showed us!
You were so sweet with our puppy, Daisy, today. You went up to her and hugged her sweetly around the neck and laid your head down on her body . . . And then started petting her.
You went to sleep easily tonight and were such a good girl when I brushed your teeth at bedtime. I gave you some Ibuprofen and Tylenol, as you have a low grade fever and runny nose and have been fussy today. I think you either have a little cold, or are getting some new teeth. Right now you have 4 teeth on the top and 3 on the bottom. Love you sweetness and light!
1/31/10 Clayton, you made a crown at Sunday School this morning and wore it proudly home. Your hat says “Jesus Loves Clayton” and is adorned in jewels stickers. I was overjoyed that you were wearing your little hat and smiling proudly. Right on, buddy, I thought to myself - Jesus does love you and you are the most special little boy ever! You were absolutely darling when you told your Sunday School teachers “bye, bye and thank you.” Later today we went to Winterfest in Coralville - and we looked at the train exhibit in the car museum. You were in heaven watching all the trains with Daddy! They also had a horse drawn carriage - you liked looking at the Belgium horses from afar, but got upset when I tried to take you up close to them. They were very big! You and I went inside a tee-pee set up outside and you had so much fun playing in there. Later, we came home and you and Gracie were so cute cuddling and wrestling on the couch. Right now Daddy is upstairs tucking you in to sleep in your race car bed. Your night time routine consists of brushing your teeth, putting on pj’s, putting your clothes in the hamper, reading a few books, singing a song, saying prayers, asking for a puppet show and for us to make up a story with “Clayton” in it, and us snuggling with you. You are pretty picky about having your Thomas blankie covering you up, and if it is in the washing machine you get upset. You are very attached to your Thomas blanket.
12/30/09 Dearest Gracie, We are visiting in Georgia and staying at Gigi and Grandaddy. Daddy drove down with us and stayed for a week. He flew back on Sunday. You sure love Daddy - always saying his name and reaching for him if anyone else is holding you. So sweet!
You now say “Mama” again - I am so happy! You also say “Dada”, “Puppy”, “Hi”, “Bye-bye”, “Baby” which sounds like Baby, “Thank- you” which sounds like tank tu, and when we ask you what a ducky says you respond “quack quack.”
You have two teeth on the top and three on the bottom. I see the others trying to come through - two on the top and one on the bottom. Daddy said he saw a molar trying to break through also.
Santa came to visit us here in Georgia and brought you a stroller to push and a pony to ride. You have been pushing the stroller non stop with your pink baby riding inside. Your smile lights up the room sweetie. You give the sweetest looks! Everyone, especially your great grandma Bebe said that your chubby cheeks are just precious! Your great granddaddy Paul said he loves you a nickels worth - which means a ton! Love you sweet precious girl.
12/30/09 We’ve had quite a Christmas and birthday season this year buddy! You must be one of Santa’s favorites, and very high on the NICE list!
We are in Georgia visiting your Gigi and Granddaddy. You have also gone to visit Great Grandmother Bebe and Great Granddaddy Paul. They adore you so much buddy - you were their first great grandchild, and still the only great grandson! You had a blast playing with your Uncle Dan, Soon-to-be Aunt Jenna, Aunt Claire, Uncle Spencer, and Aunt Zen over Christmas. You say that “Hannah Cake is your baby” and are having a blast playing with both Hannah and Grace.
Dan set up a huge cardboard playhouse and you have been coloring on it with markers and loving to play inside of it. We have gone to the park a few times - and you have had a blast on the slides, and really enjoyed seeing the ducks and geese in the park pond.
You have started eating pizza again and asked for toast also. . . Mommy is so overjoyed that you are being a great eater! Maybe you are growing again. You are so cute when you wake up in the morning, you come over and say “I snuggle you” and bring your blankie, pillow, and little teddy bear and crawl into my bed. We had your Christmas photos taken and you were adorable. Just a little charmer. You wore a black velvet blazer and a little black top hat - you are too much buddy! I love you so very much!
Clayton’s birth involved pushing for 2 ½ hours. Then silence filled the room.What is the problem, why so many people around him. The nurse is pushing Tyler away. What is going on. A tube is shoved down his throat. Later, on the home made video Tyler was filming, I see his lifeless little body being flopped about in the hands of gloved doctors...Finally – a meek CRY. Tears of joy and exhaustion stream down my face, to tired to even ask to hold the fruit of 9 months of labor.
I thought this was supposed to be natural – why isn’t he latching on. Why does he refuse to suckle and instead beat my breast, arch his back and scream. “I think you may want to consider formula, don’t feel bad, it’s OKAY,” the nurse tries to persuade as she wheels the tiny bassinet holding our screaming son into our hospital room for about the 15th time. I can barely sit, yet I try and try again – go to ENT’s to have a tounge clipped, lactation consultant after lactation consultant. Tyler and I learn to survive on 1-2 hours of sleep at a time, and then tag team out to be the next to walk the halls with our colicky infant. Sleep 20 hours a day – my eye!!! Try scream 20 hours a day. This was suppose to be blissful and bonding. Instead we are exhausted and our relationship is straining. 9 months go on. The nursing has taken hold. The bonding still seems out of sorts, not what I expected.
Tyler and I witness small short seizures, “common, they’ll disappear” the pediatrician tells us. And they do. Reassurance from the pediatrician, my own mother and father, my mother in law. My inner gut doesn’t quite by it “oh, well, you are a first time mom” – “all babies do that” – “I experienced that when you were a child, now you see what I delt with. He screams for hours in fits of tantrum. Eye contact is barely existent – but the pediatrician checks this out and says he’s right on track, nothing to worry about. Clayton is so smart and developing quickly – hitting all of his milestones early or at least on time. Walking by 9 months, memorizing books and reading them to me before he is two. His temper tantrums are intense and long winded, sometimes up to four hours. Baby Gymboree is like torture, screaming every time, same with My Gym, and Kindermusic. My kiddo hates these classes and sits in time outs for infractions while the other kids are overjoyed.I feel robbed of the fun. I am confused by Clayton's obvious distress, among his little blissful baby peers who are having so much fun with their parents. I recieve stares from other Mommy's and the teachers. It is obvious that behind their face is the message, wow, that kids is a brat, glad he's not mine. And I swear, some of those darting glances held behind the silence questions of our home life.
My intuition rides my mind, as I try to quiet my questions and turn my thoughts to prayers to my God. I believe as Clayton's mother that I'm so tightly bonded to him that instinctually us I know things other's don't.
The psychologist dismisses me, and encourages more positive praise for Clayton. More positive praise??? I was known as the “too nice teacher” – I am over abundant with praise for my son. . . how in the hell am I suppose to take that a step farther? We have playdates, he runs into the woods or the street, with no interest whatsoever. And me, his pregnant mother, breathlessly chase him to keep him safe. Forget chatting with the other mothers on the park bench as the children play – mine won’t play. More reassurances from family and the docs – "screw you's - I know I'm right about this" and disdain silently scrolls through my thoughts embedded between doubts of “am I doing this mom thing wrong, even though I think I’m doing it right” followed by “there is no way some of these girlfriends of mine could be this patient – I am sure there is a difference in our kids” and “What the hell is going on??”.
Fast forward a few more months. We move to another state and I brace myself, trying to think of absolutely everything to help ease the transition for Clay. Packing up is rough, increased meltdowns and diminishing Mommy patience. We finally arrive at our new home, 5 hours from our old one. Daddy won’t arrive for ten days. I curl my huge body into his crib sized toddler bed with Clayton each night, providing comfort to Clay and in hopes that he will eventually feel that this is home.
Daddy arrives. Tantrums ensue. Some last 4-5 hours. Food rituals become extreme and I am certain that Clayton is auditioning for Jack Nicholson’s character Melvin in “As Good As It Gets”. The spoon must be the yellow one with little holes in it. It must be placed on the right side of the plate. God forbid, if you put it in the yogurt – a longwinded screaming and anger fit will ensue and nothing will be eaten off the plate.
I speak with our new pediatrician about this, twice. I tell her that I am worried about his nutrition, as he refuses everything now accept milk, yogurt and cereal. I’ve tried every strategy I’ve heard to get Clay to behave and eat his food – to no avail. The best, was strategy I tried was to not feed him anything, except serving him the plate I’d prepared (a balanced and kid friendly meal I’d prepared with all food groups). He went almost 3 days without eating, and I caved. I was not going to starve my child. This manner was obviously beyond stubbornness or a test of who was in charge. The pediatrician refers us to a psychologist who is a feeding expert. He has a major meltdown in front of the feeding psychologist. She diagnoses him with behavior disruptive disorder and refers us to the Autism team for an evaluation. She will see him at a later date for "feeding therapy."
I was strong, thought this was no big deal - and then I cried. . . for days. I couldn't stop crying. Finally, the tears turned to silence. My husband and I walk around like ghosts the next few days – silently grieving, silently wondering what Autism is, wondering what we should do next. We read, we hug Clayton, we cry.
I was relieved to know I wasn’t insane, there really was something different about my little guy, my instincts and intuition told me long before any doctor.
The more I read, the more I was pissed at the world. Early intervention is crucial for kiddos on the Autism Spectrum, the earlier the better for the child. If the doctors, or someone, had only listened to me when he was an infant – we could have started his intervention then. Damn everyone! Clayton would be three in a month, and I’ve known something was “off” since he was 4 months old. We’ve lost so much time in which we could have been understanding him.
I was swimming through an ocean, researching everything I could about Autism, PDD-NOS, Asperger's and what to do next. I read book after book, website after website. How do I help him was my guiding question - what I was forgetting to ask, what I really needed to be asking was. . . How do I remember to love him, just as he is.
Tyler was grieving silently - trying to come to terms that every idea he had about how he was going to raise his son into a man, through coaching little league teams and perhaps on into the college years, just as his Dad had done, was looking differently now. A giant gaping hole of difference. He was grieving the fact that they probably wouldn't share this love of sports, of being athletes. Clayton can't catch a ball, and his gait is ackward. Tyler played college ball.
While Tyler was wondering how he was going to show Clayton everything he had to teach him differently than planned, I was worrying about the facts I was finding in books. . . easily bullied, hard to make friends, many never marry. "My poor baby," was all I could think. The books could paint a pretty bleak picture. I tried to push the negatives to the back of my mind and focus on the positive things I could do for Clayton. I focused on all the wonderful things about him, and how lucky we were that he had such a "mild" case. I poised myself to be his advocate in life, fighting for the best for him and speaking up for him. But late at night, the bleak words from books scrolled through my head and brought back the weeping.
Tyler was angry and silent. I was weepy and trying to figure out how to fix it.
The anger subdues, and God breathes calmness and guidance. I am certain that God was doing that all along, asking us to hand over the weight - it was just that we finally stopped, exhausted, and listened and heard his calm.
We love our little man unconditionally and want nothing but the best, he is ours - entrusted to our care by God. We realize that none of this has changed - the important remains. We have to re-orient ourselves, and figure out what it is exactly that Clayton needs from us.
This poem that Tyler came across helped:
Emily Perl Kingsley
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.
Perhaps God has intended to teach Tyler and I and the world something through Clayton's Autism Spectrum Disorder: unending patience, love, and total acceptance. He's already taught us that we are stronger and our love goes deeper than we thought possible.
He's taught me that I can endure ear deafening tantrums in the grocery store and the piercing eyes of passers-by. He's taught me that cuddling for hours is the right amount of love. He's taught me to "fight the good fight" and about endurance far beyond the marathon's I ran in college. For example, we sit in Taekwondo for hours and days and weeks, and I learn to ignore stares from parent's whose children are working on the yellow belt. . . because we are working on the "calm down enough to stop crying because it is noisy" and "put your feet on the floor barefeet" belt. He's taught me that kind of endurance is within me and that it is driven by God' love. Clayton's shown me that he can work hard and push through his sensory issues and persevere - the amount of work that takes Clay is equivalent to bringing a skyscraper's building plans into fruition. He really is my wonder boy!
Clayton's sensory processing and PDD-NOS or Asperger's can be treated, but not "cured." He will have this diagnosis all his life. Autism is not taboo, it is not a curse, it is not a disappointment. Clayton is our precious gift from God, the one, along with his sisters, Tyler and I live our lives for. We couldn't be prouder of Clayton! He is our miracle.
The Autism Spectrum is a blessing, a Miracle. Although, not without trials and frustrations, autism is not a curse - but rather a blessing. Without it we would not have Bill Gates, Hans Christian Anderson, Albert Einstein, or Clay Clay the Wonder Boy - just to name a few. It is a MIRACLE! These people are God's miracles, and like all people, they have something to teach, something BIG to contribute. Clayton's autism is a blessing in our home; through understanding of it we will move forward. Clayton's autism has already taught us so much and bonded us so deeply as a family.
"Through wisdom is a house built; and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge shall every room be filled with precious and pleasant riches. - ANONYMOUS" We thank God for teaching us in His mysterious ways. We thank God for our son, Clayton
12/17/09 Grace, you have become Mommy’s “Baby-zilla” - - you are walking and even running everywhere and are into everything. I can hardly keep up with you darling! You are very adventurous, brave and mischievous. Some of your favorite stunts are to empty out any drawer or cupboard you can get into, unroll the toilet paper, take your brothers toys he is playing with and run, and open toilets and splash in them. You are so hilarious! Just exploring everything these days.
You are also such a sweetheart. When either Daddy or I are gone and return home, you run to us arms outstretched and want to be hugged and held. You love to make sweet little faces back and forth with us. You also like to hold your dolls and give them hugs. It melts me to see you being so affectionate and nurturing.
A funny thing about you at this age is that you are starting to prefer Daddy over me. It is really very sweet, and I don’t mind. I love to see you love Daddy!
On our family Christmas Santa brought you four baby dolls and you adore one in particular. She is a little pink Middleton doll named Hailey.
We had your 15 month check up at the doctor two days ago and you received four shots, and cried the saddest cry Mama has ever heard. It broke my heart, but thankfully you recovered very quickly. The doctor says you are growing and healthy! I love you so much sweetie.
Wow bud, what a whirl wind things have been lately. Mommy asked the pediatrician for an appointment with a specialist to help with your picky eating. I have been worried that you won’t get the proper nutrition you need to grow to be a big and strong guy. Through that appointment we were sent to have you tested for the autism spectrum.
You were diagnosed with PDD-NOS, although they stated that at another clinic you may not have been diagnosed. The team of psychologists stated that you are very mild, but do have some symptoms and with a diagnosis you can get more services to help you learn and grow. If you were older, the doctors said they would most likely have diagnosed you with Asperger's. We have spent a lot of time in various doctors’ offices and waiting rooms since then, however, I think after all these initial appointments, this should slow down a bit. It looks like we’ll be seeing an occupational therapist to help with sensory skills as you may not be interpreting all of your sensory cues, a speech therapist to help with social communication, a feeding therapist to help you broaden your food choices, and a behavioral therapist to help with tantrums. You have been such a good boy through all of this, and I am so proud of you. Everyone comments on how bright and friendly you are! I agree, you are an amazing little guy.
For your birthday we celebrated with three candles on your cake and ice cream. You did a great job huffing and puffing to blow out your candles. You received a basketball hoop and a soccer ball, along with some cars for your birthday. On our family Christmas morning, Santa Claus came and left you a giant train table that makes all kinds of sounds as you go around the tracks.
You LOVE it, and have been playing with it constantly. Grace tries to play with you, but you get upset at her disrupting the tracks. It was delightful to have your birthday and Christmas this year, as you are now at an age where you understand what it is all about and get so excited! You love the presents and the songs, the ornaments, and the tree. And I love you!
10/12/09 My Grace, you sure are giving Mama a scare. You have the H1N1 Swine Flu and they have put you on Tamiflu, an anti-viral medication. You are finished with your medicine tomorrow morning, and still have a slight fever and a terrible chesty cough. You are much better than you were though, as you wouldn’t babble or crawl for an entire day. You only cried and wanted to be held. You poor baby girl! I am going to take you back to the doctor tomorrow morning so they can be sure your lungs are clear.
You are hitting some developmental milestones! You are standing on your own now. Just two days ago you patty-caked your hands for the first time. I have been trying to teach you patty cake for a long time, and it is so exciting to see you clapping your little hands together grinning from ear to ear with pride. You are so adorable, the way you are so proud of your accomplishment! So happy and full of joy, like always. You are also starting to walk around holding onto one finger on each of my hands.
And you are into everything! Into all of mommy’s drawers, racing through the baby gate and up the stairs whenever it is left open, and just today you got into the garbage can - pulled out a piece of pizza - and started eating it. You are so fast!
Mommy is worn out by the end of the day from chasing after cute little you! You and your brother are really enjoying each other. You love to crawl as fast as you can and chase him around the room. The two of you have staring contests, and then you both just start hysterically giggling! Those moments melt Mama’s heart!
We had a big celebration that night at home. The kitchen was decorated with superheroes and balloons and presents in Spiderman wrapping paper. You had a Lightening McQueen and Mater cake that said “Congratulations on your first day of school. Love, Mom and Dad.” You had a great party! We are so very proud of you son!
